Thursday, March 24, 2011

Family Picture


When I was 10, my paternal grandmother(+) took me for a vacation in Bicol. I stayed there for two months, and that was the longest time that I would have to be away as a kid from my mom and my home, miles and miles away from Manila. There was excitement in the first days while I explored the place.

It was fun in the first weeks, but my excitement passed and homesickness crept in, especially when I would hear my lola joke that I would stay in our ancestral house. That, was the first time that I celebrated my birthday away from home.

As I remembered the days with my family, sadness caught me. All I could do was silently cry holding a picture of our clan that my lola kept in a box. I would run to the room after a tiresome day helping in doing the chores, and after I would get scolded for some mischief. I would look at our family picture.

And I would wish that everything were just a dream, that when I woke up, I would be back home. The fondest memories in that family picture became my refuge, my room a sanctuary to relive happy moments, which then I was not sure I could find again because my Lola as the family matriarch could just keep me there with her.

Today, I had to hold my tears as one student in my speech class shared what all she wanted in life -- a picture with all the happy smiles from her family. She broke in tears in front of the class as she told us how she was affected witnessing her family broke because her mom left.

She said she went through being an "emo-suicidish" girl with less interest to be with others or even excel. Then I felt, I was blessed, even though I spent only seven years with a dad, and the rest with my widowed mom. My siblings and I were like orphaned without a father.

We did not have studio photos of our family or pictures outdoors having bonding time. I could count the pictures where my father was there with us. I could not frame or hang any photo of my family on the wall. That is if I keep believing that a family is composed of a father, a mother and their children.

In my heart's memory is a picture of me being carried by dad going home, my mom walking by her and my elder siblings following behind. This was the usual picture of us, going home from my dad's car shop. There it is vivid, how my family values each other, how my mother loves my father, how my siblings respect and trust my parents, and how my dad cares for me.

My family was not also ordinary. I had a sister(+) from my mom, before she became my dad's common law wife. My dad had four children, then he courted my mom when his first wife died. I grew up with my four half siblings and two full consanguine siblings. But there was no difference at all, with and without my father, we identified with each other as a common family.

What makes a family a family is that of the concern, care, respect, trust and above all love that one shares with another. The picture of a family is not always perpect as how many idealize it to be. We are blessed with a family, even if that one caring for us is a single parent, a sibling or a plain relative, or not of our same blood. A family is a relationship, filled with memories, expectations and emotions. The picture is not always the same in everyone's life.

Traditional old school pictures fade, digital photos can be corrupted. The picture of family varies from one group of people in relationship to another. When I recall my father's physical presence in our home, I would miss him a lot, but what I have left is still my family, whatever the picture is like.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Be Still!


I remember a story from the Bible, were Jesus was asleep on a boat with his disciples. A storm came, and the disciples were scared. They woke Jesus up, as they lost faith amidst a tempestous storm. Jesus calmed the waters and commanded the wind and clouds to be still.

Be still! Jesus rebuked them for they lost faith when they were scared. Be at peace! Have faith! This is what Jesus tells his followers. Jesus also gave his peace on this earth to those who believe in Him. With that, we can be still.

Tonight, while I was in the classroom, the ground crumbled. My students who were all sitting, felt the tremor first. It was probably at 3-4 magnitude in the Richter scale, that was felt in Manila. From the epicenter in Mindoro, it was at 5.7, felt at 6:37, and then at 9:29, another earthquake was felt in the Bicol region, the epicenter was at Camarines sur with a 4.5 magnitude.

Last March 4, there was also an earthquake with the epicenter somewhere in Batangas and Mindoro, it has the same magnitude of 5.7. I was at the 9th floor administering listening quiz. From the ground floor it was not really felt, but up there, the building was really at shake.

As a teacher, I should be composed in front of my students in such a situation. I remember while we were still, while the we could all feel the tremor and the dizziness that it cause us. I was still, and one yelled out. "Am I gonna die?" I replied, "well dear, if you will from this earthquake, then we all are".

Back in June 16, 1991, when an earthquake with a magnitude of 6.9 billowed so many infrastructure in Baguio and the Northern Luzon, I was playing in the school ground as sophomore. I was really scared then, as I felt the ground moving, and I could not even stand on my feet.

All I could do, was kneel on the ground,and slouch there, while I was praying for God's protection to all of us in the school and to my family. Then, I saw the building shaking, the light post shaking, the cables like being wagged by a huge hand. That earthquake took many lives.

I was just right in the safest place in case of any emergency such as an earthquake. Tonight, I thank God that I was still, composed at peace. I even continued the lesson after the tremors, while my students were perhaps oblivious about my actions.

But, I am saddened, by comment I read from the internet, which reads: "I hope God can protect us from all these." With confidence and certainty, I would like to tell anyone who thinks like this, to be still. For God who has given Jesus to us in faith, promises us that his mercy, love, and grace endures forever. If ye have faith, then you should be still, for the Lord God is mightier than any other power on this world and even under it.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Moonstruck


Our retreat master shared to us the myth of the "moonstruck". The myth could inspire those yearning for a lover but already in their middle ages.

It tells of a folkloric belief that for a woman to find her lover, she needs to look for a man sleeping under the full moon. She needs to wait for him to wake up, and that when he does and sees her from his awakening, he will be moonstruck and fall in love with her.

I do find the full moon strikingly fascinating and romantic. Hence, this allusion of moonstruck to falling in love, romance and relationships. Sadly, I missed to witness the rare lunar perigee this evening.

Honestly, I was at all times in sleep mode during the retreat even though I worked on the activities that we were assigned at. I would sleep through out the bus ride to and from the retreat house.

It's just now that I am in reflection mode and happened to be moonstruck if not affected by lunar lunacy perhaps. I am urged to pause and go over what happened, and of what I heard, felt, said and did in that experience, prior, during and after the retreat.

The retreat that we had was more of bonding for the department and a break from the regular tedious routines of our work. My expectations were met so far, but they were mostly not for me, but for others in the group. First, I really wanted that for our department so that we could have time to know each other more and so be closer with one another.

I went there in faith that something will happen for those who are there. I did not go there, because I felt I had baggages to unload and some troubles to run away from, so that I can find emotional sanity and spiritual refuge. I went there to join my colleagues, and I found myself more of an observer and intercessor.

I was guarded by a conviction of listening only, that the event was not really for me to be talking as I gave more chance for the newer teachers to open up so that I can know them more. I hope I listened well. This is very unlikely when I was still struggling with my faith some five or six years ago.

Back then I would mix my personal baggages with spiritual ideas because I felt I had obligations to be an element for others' renewal. I am moonstruck but what I shared about me, as an individual in a journey towards God alone. Now, I am trying to figure out the impact of what I said to those who heard me.

I feel no guilt at all as to what I have said, but a thought lingers in my mind that I could have been misunderstood. Nevertheless, my heart convicts me that everything that happens, happens for a purpose under God's greater scheme of things. Why was I there, if I my faith is strong and I am not troubled?

With that question, I am struck to know the answer later on, and to listen to my heart as to whether I am still moonstruck with people I love -- my family, or am I lost by being self-rightous?

With self-rightiousness, I could just be really moonstruck, because I am seeing light that is but a reflection of the Original, and in the dark. Even, so it is still light and can help me go through if I am in the dark.