Moonstruck

Our retreat master shared to us the myth of the "moonstruck". The myth could inspire those yearning for a lover but already in their middle ages.

It tells of a folkloric belief that for a woman to find her lover, she needs to look for a man sleeping under the full moon. She needs to wait for him to wake up, and that when he does and sees her from his awakening, he will be moonstruck and fall in love with her.

I do find the full moon strikingly fascinating and romantic. Hence, this allusion of moonstruck to falling in love, romance and relationships. Sadly, I missed to witness the rare lunar perigee this evening.

Honestly, I was at all times in sleep mode during the retreat even though I worked on the activities that we were assigned at. I would sleep through out the bus ride to and from the retreat house.

It's just now that I am in reflection mode and happened to be moonstruck if not affected by lunar lunacy perhaps. I am urged to pause and go over what happened, and of what I heard, felt, said and did in that experience, prior, during and after the retreat.

The retreat that we had was more of bonding for the department and a break from the regular tedious routines of our work. My expectations were met so far, but they were mostly not for me, but for others in the group. First, I really wanted that for our department so that we could have time to know each other more and so be closer with one another.

I went there in faith that something will happen for those who are there. I did not go there, because I felt I had baggages to unload and some troubles to run away from, so that I can find emotional sanity and spiritual refuge. I went there to join my colleagues, and I found myself more of an observer and intercessor.

I was guarded by a conviction of listening only, that the event was not really for me to be talking as I gave more chance for the newer teachers to open up so that I can know them more. I hope I listened well. This is very unlikely when I was still struggling with my faith some five or six years ago.

Back then I would mix my personal baggages with spiritual ideas because I felt I had obligations to be an element for others' renewal. I am moonstruck but what I shared about me, as an individual in a journey towards God alone. Now, I am trying to figure out the impact of what I said to those who heard me.

I feel no guilt at all as to what I have said, but a thought lingers in my mind that I could have been misunderstood. Nevertheless, my heart convicts me that everything that happens, happens for a purpose under God's greater scheme of things. Why was I there, if I my faith is strong and I am not troubled?

With that question, I am struck to know the answer later on, and to listen to my heart as to whether I am still moonstruck with people I love -- my family, or am I lost by being self-rightous?

With self-rightiousness, I could just be really moonstruck, because I am seeing light that is but a reflection of the Original, and in the dark. Even, so it is still light and can help me go through if I am in the dark.