What should I do? This is the most difficult question that I cannot answer for my consultee, even so for a friend. Answering such question, for me would be subverting the individual capacity to think and be responsible for his or her own life, and this puts the burden or blame back to me, if things don't work well the way they should.
In very confusing life situations, all of us our vulnerable to experience cognitive dissonance. This takes place when what we think don't happen to be aligned on our precepts or existing schemas. When we encounter something odd or unknown which should not be happening as we expected, that triggers cognitive dissonance. So, we turn to others for some help.
To some people, seeking help is a weakness. To other's seeking help is a strength and a way to reinforce, assess or challenge one's frame of thinking to determine a solution that is congruent to what is already preconceived. Meaning, we seek help when we already know what help we need, but we are just seeking confirmation that our intended actions are right.
I feel that the question "what should I do?" is different from that of "tell me what you think should I do?". The first relieves the one asking of the responsibility and accountability to the personal obligation of resolving his or her issues. The second, is seeking opinion that may have value to coming up with an informed decision. The first critical and the latter is socially healthy.
The question "what should I do?" has an underlying tone of desperation, dissonance and confusion, while the latter has an attribute of personal capability. Both questions manifest a need for communication, and some clear, tangible and logical solutions. The first obviously seeks empathy from the surface, but the critical part here is the need for empowering the individual to assess his or her own problem and self-initiated solutions.
One time a friend told me how she was not so happy with her marriage or her husband. She asked me, what she should do. First, I am not in the position of giving her any advice as marriage is out of my schema nor my specialization. I resolved to just give her so many available options and illustrations of what other people have done. Until now, she is in the same situation, simply because she idealizes a life she is not in which she is not doing anything about.
The question "tell me what you think?" goes with an embedded question "what should I do?". The embedding suggests that the one being consulted has the capacity to rationalize things and help the seeking party. As the latter is embedded, it is evident now that what is important to the asking individual are ideas that can help clarify the issue and resolve it later on. This requires comprehensive understanding to the listener and sharing of critical insights.
A strong-willed woman I know approached me about how her academic plans were devastated by a decision she never expected. She asked me what I think she should do. Coming from her schema of having everything in her life planned and written out, I understood that her dissonance is due to some violations of expectations. She expects something which the other party does not know anything about. Recursively, we went back and forth her issues, her feelings and her expectations, as we go through the pros and cons of many possible actions she can do. She resolved to adjusting her expectations and rewriting her life-script.
The two situations I illustrated are different and maybe incomparable. But, what is common there is our personal need for other's help to inform us in our life-decisions. We need others, but we can not totally depend our decisions on what others think. Our life is our life, not someone else's. We need others to listen to us, as we need to listen to what they think.
Our tendency to mirror our lives with that of others' will affect our very own understanding of our self and our directions in life. As we need to live with others we also need to stand strong in our own feet, that includes being accountable and responsible for our decisions and actions. Then, and only then that we can tell our selves and exclaim to others that we have lived our lives and completed our own race.
In very confusing life situations, all of us our vulnerable to experience cognitive dissonance. This takes place when what we think don't happen to be aligned on our precepts or existing schemas. When we encounter something odd or unknown which should not be happening as we expected, that triggers cognitive dissonance. So, we turn to others for some help.
To some people, seeking help is a weakness. To other's seeking help is a strength and a way to reinforce, assess or challenge one's frame of thinking to determine a solution that is congruent to what is already preconceived. Meaning, we seek help when we already know what help we need, but we are just seeking confirmation that our intended actions are right.
I feel that the question "what should I do?" is different from that of "tell me what you think should I do?". The first relieves the one asking of the responsibility and accountability to the personal obligation of resolving his or her issues. The second, is seeking opinion that may have value to coming up with an informed decision. The first critical and the latter is socially healthy.
The question "what should I do?" has an underlying tone of desperation, dissonance and confusion, while the latter has an attribute of personal capability. Both questions manifest a need for communication, and some clear, tangible and logical solutions. The first obviously seeks empathy from the surface, but the critical part here is the need for empowering the individual to assess his or her own problem and self-initiated solutions.
One time a friend told me how she was not so happy with her marriage or her husband. She asked me, what she should do. First, I am not in the position of giving her any advice as marriage is out of my schema nor my specialization. I resolved to just give her so many available options and illustrations of what other people have done. Until now, she is in the same situation, simply because she idealizes a life she is not in which she is not doing anything about.
The question "tell me what you think?" goes with an embedded question "what should I do?". The embedding suggests that the one being consulted has the capacity to rationalize things and help the seeking party. As the latter is embedded, it is evident now that what is important to the asking individual are ideas that can help clarify the issue and resolve it later on. This requires comprehensive understanding to the listener and sharing of critical insights.
A strong-willed woman I know approached me about how her academic plans were devastated by a decision she never expected. She asked me what I think she should do. Coming from her schema of having everything in her life planned and written out, I understood that her dissonance is due to some violations of expectations. She expects something which the other party does not know anything about. Recursively, we went back and forth her issues, her feelings and her expectations, as we go through the pros and cons of many possible actions she can do. She resolved to adjusting her expectations and rewriting her life-script.
The two situations I illustrated are different and maybe incomparable. But, what is common there is our personal need for other's help to inform us in our life-decisions. We need others, but we can not totally depend our decisions on what others think. Our life is our life, not someone else's. We need others to listen to us, as we need to listen to what they think.
Our tendency to mirror our lives with that of others' will affect our very own understanding of our self and our directions in life. As we need to live with others we also need to stand strong in our own feet, that includes being accountable and responsible for our decisions and actions. Then, and only then that we can tell our selves and exclaim to others that we have lived our lives and completed our own race.
Lastly, with those two situations we need to see who we really are in terms of our dependence, independence or interdependence. There are instances were we need to be dependent, as an infants to their parents, or as the elderly to the young. But we grow and as we grow we need to be independent in many things and interdependent at some others.
3 comments:
LOL, may issues din ako that I want to raise with you so I'd know what you think. Hahaha! You've been an academician for ages, so it would be nice to share it with someone who might give me yet another angle.
and what is that Bea, Oh being an academician for ages... at least it has historical value. Hahaha
When are we meeting up ba? Hahahaha! Sana pumunta ka mamaya, bibisita kami kay Julienne in UP.
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