Can you read my mind?

Oh, I thought I could give my mind some rest, after completing the half of our four-day comprehensive exam for my PhD candidacy. But I could not leave a soul in pain of her confusing relationship problem. Then, blink, relationships are built on communication, and I am a communication doctor (pretty soon), so might as well practice with free consultation.

I knew I had to get in her mind by letting her share her thoughts, as initially she was so hesitant to tell about her problem. I had to wait, joke, play less serious to make her feel more comfortable until she begins to be more open. Her problem is that she's been dating someone from the same school where she is studying, without any formal understanding of what relationship is all about.

Candy (not her real name), in her early 20s, confesses that during their dates, she and Enchong have been holding hands and kissing. Then, lately, for almost a month now, Enchong has been very busy and they have not been going out. Candy thinks of those kissing and holding hands as non-verbal cues of something, yet this is not confirmed formally by communication, what they actually mean for each other, and what each of them means to one another.

She is confused about their relationship arrangement: what they are, and why they did those things lovers would do without formalizing any romantic arrangement. She is looking for some meaning to make sense of her self within an informal relationship she perceived so. She wanted some sparkling romantic relationship, but this seems to be not what their situation is. Yet, the experiences with unspoken messages and verbal abstraction confuse her even more. She thinks Enchong has the answers, even though she is the one knowing the problem.

After sharing her problem, her question was what she should do. As a consultant, I begged off to tell her what she should do. Instead, I went through a series of laying to her some truths about what I understand in her situation. She agreed to four points I underpinned: 1) Individuals are different in their way of thinking and behavior; 2) there are wide-ranging differences between how men and women deal with communication situations, most particularly in handling relationships; 3) spoken words and non-verbal cues have meanings, and these meanings are confirmed by their consistency in communication interactions; and 4) communication fosters relationships and makes ideas clearer to affect life realities, decisions and actions.

Of course I have to point those to her in simpler terms she would understand. Then she admitted, she got more confused, but she understood her situation much better. She retorted of asking me again what she should do. I gave her three questions to guide her decision, because what I told her, is that I am not in the position of telling her what to, I could only show her a map of the various ways she could get to where she wants to go.

Sadly, she was also confused of what she wanted. First, she told me, she wanted what ever arrangement they have to stop. Furthermore, she told me she wanted to talk to him, without justification or elaboration what for. Then, she continued she would talk to him, in the opening of classes, for that time she's sure that they will run across each other. Then she posted on the chatroom the message Enchong posted on her FB wall:

"Sometimes I wish that the girl of my dreams has the power to read my mind, so that she will know how much she means to me and that all my efforts and endeavors are actually for her!;)"

Next, I started to tell her of what I think about her and Enchong, which at some she agreed and in others she got shocked. But then, I have to tell her, that those are my views and they may not be necessarily true for them. I also told her of my personal love story, and another story that she was able to relate to. In the end though, we stopped talking about her feelings and thoughts about her situation, rather, we got in sync of having fun in badmouthing Enchong's vain characteristics, particularly of taking advantages of the situation.

The moral of this narrative are many: 1) we can read minds, it is not just a wishful thought, but it takes skills to do so, albeit it is not available for all; 2) the best way to overcome a problematic situation is to go through it and be problematized by it because there is no easy solution to a problem; 3) solutions are available, we can not restrict ourselves to a single idea of being able to solve a problem, and so we have to be ready for the consequences and implication of our decisions and actions towards any problem; and 4) love is a meaningful abstraction that we find it strange to understand most often, but it is something worth taking risk, over time.

Most people look for things in common to say that they are in complementary relationships. But, the sweetest part of keeping a relationship includes that of understanding, accepting, and living through differences, settling disputes, becoming aware of what each other really feels. Fidelity is best demonstrated in the openness of one to share what one feels and think about another. Being in sync is coming together to face the situation that affects two people in relationships. Caring for one another is foremost carried out in being sensitive, conscious and concern of other's feelings spoken or not.

I would like to believe what one artist shared to me about love, "that it is a trap", and we don't know what it is in there, yet we want to be in there. That's the beauty of it, we are vain to possess it, we fear to lose it, we are problematized to keep it, and we get confuse as to how we should express it. This is Candy's issue and it will remain an issue until she clearly understands and live out that mystery of finding love and making love a reality, be that true love or otherwise. I hope Candy can read my mind :) .