How men deal with stressing problems

Psychologist, Dr. Gray, in his book Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, explains and describes the difference between men and women in dealing with stressful situations. It is fact that there is gender difference, between males and females, due to their biological and psychological make-up, and it is also influenced by one's cultural orientation. Hence, we can misread or misunderstand people depending on the context of how we are looking at them in the way they deal with stress.

A man has his way of arriving at solutions to a problem. Why men go out with their peers for a drink after work is one means of unloading stress. Another is when a man seeks solitude as to be away from anyone else, including his family, friends or loved ones. These are illustrations of the man's defense mechanism of fight and flight, which neurologist establishes to be due to the right and left brain hemispheres at work.

The fight and flight mechanism is normally observed among men as they face stressful, threatening or high risk situations. Culturally, this may vary in degrees as there are pre-existing factors in the matrix, such as beliefs and values systems that could influence one's attitude and behavior towards the problem. Like in Filipino cultural system, our faith and fatalism leads one to take even the uncalculated risk because of that "Bahala na"mentality as the last resort.

Societies have set in their culture the appropriate behavior for the sexes, but in real life people could disregard the differences between emotional states of the two gender, that one expects to see a performed behavior in ways that contradict the nature of the person. So, we feel that different way of acting as deviant, unwarranted or inappropriate, compared to the rest of the social aggregate. But, looking at the cultural difference between gender, brings a light into the understanding of our emotions and experiences.

When I was threatened to be dismissed in my previous job because of an accusation of concessions or money-making means through extortion of money, I took an immediate flight from that difficult situation.

The allegations were not true and there were no evidences at all, but because of the administration's solution to put me under preventive suspensions for the investigation (without pay!!!), I rationalized that I rather leave because there was no use of coming to work at all. But, inside me was that strong anxiety of having nothing to provide for my family, giving them shame and the fear of losing my worth and my face to my colleagues.

Right there and then, I resigned as I was summoned by the HR officer who could not give me a justifiable complaint except for that expressed suspicion from the new vice president. After which, I locked my self in the office and cried to God as I was determined to leave while I pack my things. That was me taking flight from the stressing problem, from which I got stuck at home for a quarter of a year jobless and job hunting.

Men find "alone time" comfortable, and this also illustrates the flight and fight mechanism. In my country, I could hang out with friends just to drink and have fun to de-stress. When I worked in the middle east, I find solace in staying away from my colleagues, leaving the house, sitting on a hill, or just walking in the mall and dining on my own, all "alone". While alone, my creative right brain is stimulated to give my left problem solving brain a time to think of solutions.

Alone time takes some length differently from one person to another, from days to months. But this could be shorter, if one is able to recognize the feelings from the experience, sort out the problems, unload those heavy emotional stressors to arrive at a solution. The man in his alone time or flight time is fighting the problem. Others around him, just have to understand that and never stop to make the person feel that he can always find comfort from them.

Because the man would not like to talk and express his emotions, he carries the burden that for others may seem irrational. But, that is the nature of the man. More recently, in my work I found an escape goat to be in contact with my boss by staying away from her and even ignoring her concern that we talk things out. That lasted for two months, until I realized that I have to work with her for my tenure, without any emotional bond, but merely a professional one.

A flight is also a man's way to fight the problem. It is not fight or flight, but flight and fight. The way this works vary also between men as to their introversion and extroversion tendencies. the man will not likely involve others whom he care for with his problems while he finds solutions. This we will demonstrate in his silence, sleeping time, hanging out, smoking or drinking. But, it doesn't mean he loves less the people he value, its just the way he is.